Sinking

"When I look beside me, I see that there is no one to help me, no one to protect me…Lord, I cry to you for help; you, Lord, are my protector; you are all I want in this life."

Psalm 142:4-5

Tonight I planned to go to bed early.  I had all the kids in bed and by 8:30, I was ready to head that way myself.  I walked in my room, saw clothes everywhere, and knew there was no way I was going to sleep until my room was clean. 

This is usually how it begins when God wants to work on my heart.  He puts me to work.  You see, when I am cleaning or cooking, I am the most focused and my mind and heart are still.  I know that probably sounds crazy but sure enough, as soon as I started cleaning, my heart started stirring.

I was cleaning the bathroom and had a sponge in my hand.  God started showing me how that sponge soaks up all that water and once full, it becomes heavy and a decision has to be made The decision whether to squeeze out that water and then choose whether you will fill it up again or set it to the side.  I found this interesting as I thought about my own life.  I go through seasons where He fills me full of His truth and promises and it is as if I am in overdrive soaking it all in and learning.  Those times are exciting and full of hope because I know that there is so much more to come.  The time comes though that I realize that I’m full and need time to put those things into practice and live them out.  Here is where I often fail.

 For several months, I was growing and learning and learning and growing.  I was so excited and full of hope but then something went wrong and instead of relying on those truths and looking up, I looked ahead and turned to people instead of God. 

It came time to squeeze out that sponge and put all that new material to use but then I became scared and held on too tight thinking “people” would make it all better when things got hard. I lost my focus and became Peter, walking on the water.  I lost sight of the only One who can keep me above the waves and I sank and sank fast.  He has been trying to teach me to stop looking toward people for security and hope and instead turn to Him.  He has repeatedly taught me that people will only disappoint, not because they are bad but because they are human and sinful.  Until I finally allow that sink into my head, I will end up drowning in those waves every time.   

Tonight the lesson begins again.  It is such a wonder that He has not given up on me yet but I guess He sees more promise in me than I do.